Yesterday was rough. It really sucked! One of those days where nothing quite lands right. I didn’t like the way it went in any respect. Miscommunication via email, and I was on the defensive immediately. Moreover, the feeling of uneasiness stayed with me the whole day, and throughout the evening.

Over the past two years, I have worked to overcome frustrations, overactions and generally being pissed off. I have faced very dark issues and decided they were not going to dictate the rest of my life. The more I thought about it last night, the more I was convinced I was back at square one. Had I really been triggered in ways that reflected those dark times?  My first reaction was “I can’t do this shit again.” I had “PUT IN THE WORK”, yet my frustration and feeling misunderstood were all right there.

But hold on for a second. Had miscommunication really brought me back to that sense of spiraling I felt years ago?  Simply put, no it had not. Somehow, I expected to never be agitated by anything again because if I was, someone might say, “look, there he goes.”

I have always taken pride in having a good memory. That is a blessing and a curse. The blessing? I forget nothing. The curse? I forget nothing. Being frustrated and a little overwhelmed was not caused by my brother’s death, nor was it caused by childhood abuse. Those events were tough to address. I spent years trying to forget them, to pretend I was fine. The truth is, I was not. 

Remember, I don’t forget a thing. Therefore, it would be easy to think every time I become annoyed at anything, my reaction would be similar to “being mad at the world”. Somehow, we seem to think we are perfect and have the ability to maintain calm and control all the time. The feeling of dread and upset that was with me yesterday was caused by nothing more than an overreaction to that day. There was no need for me to question myself in a way that “beats myself up”.

I have come to value being composed. Then again, that is easy to do when you don’t put yourself out there. The biggest takeaway from this for me has been do not expect too much of yourself, and do not be so hard on yourself. Dark events have left a mark for sure. But responding in a very natural and passionate way does not mean “you’ve lost it”. If anything, perhaps it means you are awake and more on the path to living authentically. 

Growth isn’t about never falling into old feelings—it’s about recognizing them and not letting them take over. If anything, feeling and working through it is proof you’re moving forward.

Yesterday was hard.
Today, we keep going.

Photo by Bonnie Dominix