As I enter the final year of my fifties, two phrases seem to surface: “if only”, and “I wonder.” I recently ran into an old high school classmate, and we went through the usual catching-up rituals: how are the kids, receding hairlines, comparing aches and pains. Then he asked if I had regrets about choices I made. Wait a minute, I need at least three coffees before I can go down that road. While we quickly moved onto something more juvenile, I knew I would revisit this idea.

Regrets? Of course. However, maybe I am being too hasty. It seems quite normal to reflect and consider how a different choice may have impacted on our lives. Some may contend we are exactly where we were meant to be; as part of a bigger plan. While this is possible, I do not aspire to this way of thinking. Hindsight is a wonderful thing. We get the chance to rethink our choices with the benefit of knowing the outcomes of the choices we made. If I had made different choices, financial concerns would never have been an issue, I would have retired at age forty, and clinging to toxic people would not have happened.

Our choices seem to change as we grow, our experiences provide us with insight as we move forward. They also give us our mandatory OOOPS moments. No one said adulting was easy. Perhaps we get the opportunity to provide a little sage advice to our grown children, only to discover they know best, and our vintage ways are outdated.

I think we often confuse regret for missed opportunities. I do not regret not buying a lottery ticket last week, but my numbers came up! Missed opportunity. I do not regret attending the Canada Day baseball game. Despite a loss, it was enjoyable beyond being a baseball fan. While I wish I had a dog growing up, it made me a better dog owner now, so there is no regret. These missed opportunities could have provided more enjoyment, less stress. However, I do not call them regrets. No one makes a decision thinking it is the wrong one. We make what we consider to be the best decision based on the information we have at that time.

We hear mottos for life such as live for today, plan for tomorrow, and learn from your mistakes. It is debatable whether we can do all three simultaneously. The inevitable pitfalls and hurts life throws at us has led me to believe that all we get is ‘NOW’. Using life experiences to make each moment better than the last is the only thing in our control. We can anticipate outcomes, but there is no way to avoid all potential pitfalls, otherwise we become a spectator to our own lives.

My true regrets come from choices I made that I knew would benefit me, that fueled my ego, however, may have placed someone else in a more difficult situation. I regret not having spent more time with my brother who passed from cancer at age eighteen, I regret being consumed by work to the point my frustrations interfered with enjoying funny moments with my boys, and I judged others too quickly thus voiding a potentially close friendship.  These are regrets that ring true.

All my life I wanted to be a lawyer. I yearned for it. However, I did not make that happen. I thought my greatest impact would resonate in a courtroom, that I would be a crusader for those who live in the margins. Instead, I stood in a school doorway every morning for thirty years, speaking to every student as they entered. I came to see that being passionate for social justice was truly where I was needed. Creating smiles and full stomachs is never regrettable. In his poem “The Road Not Take”, Robert Frost said, “Two roads diverged in a wood, and I, I took the one less travelled by, and that has made all the difference.”